Day 7
First comes attraction. You are attracted to someone but, if you get, what you are attracted to, very easily, the charm goes away - it dies out very fast. However, if what you are attracted to, becomes just a little bit difficult to have, then you develop love for it.
Have you experienced this? Have you observed this? Now, you fall in love. Then what happens? After a while, the soap opera begins. It is because you love someone, that you give yourself and then you start making demands on that relationship.
Now, when you start demanding, love diminishes. All the thrill, joy - everything - seems to be fading away. So then you say, "Oh, I have made a mistake" Now there's struggle and pain to get out of it and after you've got out of it, you get into another relationship - one more relationship - and the same story repeats itself.
What is it that you want to know about relationships? It is really to see, how they can be long-lasting. Isn' tit? What is the secret about relationships, you want to know? You want to know, how they can be made long-lasting, not how they can be cut off that, of course, is no secret.
Everybody knows about that - just push a button, or a few more buttons, very often. The relationship will be finished. Three things are essential in any relationship - right perception, right observation and right expression.
Often, people say that nobody understands them. Instead of saying, "No one understands me" you can say that you have not expressed yourself properly. If you speak Russian to a Spaniard, he (or she) will definitely not understand.
To express yourself properly, you need proper or right perception. Right perception can happen, when you see yourself, in the shoes of the other person - when you stand in his (or her) shoes and look at the situation. One requires right perception and right observation.
So, okay, you have perceived right, but how do you react? How do you feel inside? What motivates you? What things are coming up from within you? Observing your own mind is essential - This is the second important aspect.
This observation within you - the observation of sensations, the observation of tendencies, the observation of the patterns we have - is also essential. Perception of the other, and observation of one's self and then comes - right expression, or expressing one's self in the right manner.
One's whole life is a lesson on just these three things - perception, observation and expression. Every mistake, you make, is not really a mistake - it's a learning process of the three vital aspects of life. What do you say? Isn't this so?
Perception needs to be expanded. Don't just see someone's "outside". If someone is grumpy, or a little finicky, we hold him (or her) responsible for his (or her) behaviour but, if we see from a wide angle lens, the many aspects will come together.
“Okay, that person is finicky, or fussy, or stressed out, for some reason and that is reflecting in the relationship”. So, widening our lens of perception, and not just looking at someone and accusing them, for what they are doing (or what they did), but rather accommodating them, and seeing things from a larger picture (perspective), will help in relationships.
This is the first secret. The second thing is to give. This, of course, you all know. Relationships mean giving and at the same time, make the others give also. Suppose, you are doing all the service, all the help, and you don't give the other person, something to do in return, you are taking their self-worth away from them.
Sometimes people say, "Oh, I see. I did so much, but that person still doesn't love me. Why?" This is because they feel uncomfortable. Love is, when there is an exchange and that can happen, when you give them an opportunity to also do something for you.
This needs a little skill. You know, we have to be skilful in making the other also contribute, without us demanding. The only way we know to get someone to do something for us is by demand Then, if your partner doesn't do something for you, love cannot last either because you will take on a self-pitying role saying, "See, I do everything. I've been used."
You say, "I'm being used." So, you also make use of them, if your love needs to grow. This thing - I'm being used" - should be taken out of our consciousness. You should know that you are being useful - that's why you're used. If you're useless, how can somebody use you?
Most relationships end up this way because we don't have the skill to make the other person contribute. Don't you think so? Isn't it so? You know, in India, in the ancient times, they called "skilful taking", dakshina. In ancient times, children were taken to these schools, where they would study with the Master (the teacher) for 7-8 years, even 12 years.
At the end of the 12th year, they had to give something back in return - the thanks to the teacher, the fee, and this fee that they would give, was called dakshina - that, which is given with great skill. You know, it's very interesting how they would do that. They had a common classroom for everybody.
So whether the students were princes, or paupers, they had to all study in one class. Now, suppose, a rich boy and a poor boy, were both studying in the same class, then the Master would ask the pauper (the very poor child) to bring money, and the child of the prince, to do some menial job.
Now, the boy, who was from the poor family, had to bring ten gold coins. What would he do? He had no means. If the same had been told to the prince, it would have been very easy to get - that student could bring a hundred gold coins, it was so easy for him.
But this poor boy would go around, he would write poems, he would make art, he would make drawings, he would come up with some drama, or scriptures, or whatever. He would use all his creativity to get that money and come.
So even the process of giving would expand his ability and he would gain so much confidence : "Yes. I have been asked to bring ten gold coins. If I didn't have the ability, the Master wouldn't have told me to do so. He told me I can do it, so I'll be able to do it"
He would move with that confidence, he would go here and there, and he would get it. In this process of gaining these ten gold coins, his abilities, his skills, would all come out.
