Why do we try to change people? It is because they are hurting us. And the more we want to change someone because they are hurting us, they are not going to change. If you really want them to change, you have to wish for their welfare – because what they are doing is not good for them. If that is your intention, they will change. Your every prayer will make them see things differently and behave differently. So, it all lies in your intention.
Q: How to be positive and strong when people start hurting me? How to love myself in such situations?
Come on, you forget that you are a diamond! Nobody can cut a diamond or hurt it. Even if a diamond is cut, it shines more.
When anyone is trying to hurt you, they are not hurting you, they are only making you shine more. Anyone who brings down your prestige or insults you, they are only bringing up the best qualities that are hidden within you. Remember that every insult is an opportunity for you to exhibit the beauty that you are.
Q: Gurudev, how do I forgive those who have abused me emotionally and physically? Sometimes I feel like killing them but even that doesn’t seem enough.
When you get hurt, it is not only the other person at fault, it is also your ignorance and your naivety. You have not been intelligent enough, or intuitive enough to avoid it, or move out of it. So, take a little bit of the responsibility on yourself as well. If you had been strong and skillful, nobody could have abused you. When you see the situation from this perspective, you will become calmer.
I want to ask you, haven’t you caused some pain or hurt to someone else knowingly or unknowingly, willingly or unwillingly? You have. If others hold on to it for a lifetime and go after you, how would you like it?
My dear, if someone has abused you, they have been ignorant. It is because of ignorance and some hurt inside them, that they have caused it to others. See it from a wider lens. A happy person will not come and harm anyone else. If someone is harming others, it is because they are not happy, not centered and they don’t know what you know. Consider them as sick people. If someone is physically sick, do you get angry at them? These people are mentally and emotionally sick, they are spiritually sick, and if you hold a grudge against them, you will also become one among them. You will get sick. For your own sake, you should let go and move on.
Q: How can I forgive my mother-in-law who is constantly hurting me?
Take a look at how your mother behaves. How many times did you have arguments with your own mother, and how many times was she frustrated with you? Haven’t you gotten scolding from your own mother? I don’t think any girl or boy has grown up without being scolded by their mother.
When your mom criticizes you, you just fight with her and then you forget it. It doesn’t really touch you. My dear, remember, your mother and mother-in-law are of the same age, the same kind and the same category. She scolds you only 10% of what your mother used to scold you, then why does it hurt you deeply? Just accept her.
People who are tough to handle, whether at office or at home, only help you to develop your skills. You should really thank them. They make you more skilfull, more refined, more compassionate and all your good qualities start manifesting in you.
If you have knowledge, in tough situations, wisdom manifests and good things manifest out of it. If you lack skills, the worst things come out of it. This one thing we need to master. Master the skill of expressing and communication, and grab this as an opportunity to do that.
Q: I am hurt, I don’t want to forgive.
Forgiving others is not for their sake, it is for your own sake, for your mental health. Know that you have the power to do it and just do it. Open your mind to the vastness of this universe. Wake up and see that seven billion people are on this planet, everyday many are being hurt, everyday many are dying. Whatever big thing you are hanging on to about someone’s action towards you, know that it is your karma that made them act that way with you. If not that person, some other person would have given you the same experience. This is what you need to realize, this is what you need to see.
when you get a nasty email, you don’t throw your computer or laptop because you’ve got a nasty email. Whatever email came, the laptop just reflects that. Similarly, people are like laptops. You don’t need to forgive them, you simply need to have a better understanding. If you ask them, sometimes, they also may not know why they behaved that way, why they did acts that hurt you.
Look at life from a bigger perspective. That’s why I keep saying, behind every event there is knowledge, behind every person there is love, behind every object there is infinity, just know this, watch this, get this, that’s it.
Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankarji
