G: Well, what is better is to be happy whether married or single. You have people who are single and unhappy, thats not a nice thing and you have people who are married and unhappy and that’s not a nice thing. So whether single or married, doesnt matter. What is desirable is clarity of mind and purity of heart.
Q: Gurudev, why aren’t you married?
G: Well, i am married to a thing called The Art of Living. The organisation that takes me around. It keeps me driving around the globe.
Q: Gurudev, is there any such thing as a soulmate? If yes, how do i know if i have found my soulmate?
G: You first meet your soul then you will find your soulmate also. When you yourself are in confusion, your mind is in a cloud all the time, you are over ambitious, and you are self centered, then i tell you, you can’t meet your soul and if you have never met your soul then soulmate is very far away.
Q: Gurudev is there any spiritual practice to attract the right person in our life?
G: If you are really spiritual then only right things get attracted to you.
Q: Gurudev, how do i deal with rejection?
G: You should understand the people who reject anything or anybody they are not so intelligent. The best way to deal with rejection is not to recognise it and know that they have not recognised the goodness in you. Rejection should be countered with pitying them. And also see how you can express yourself better.
Q: Gurudev, friendship is comforting. It’s emotional and long lasting. Passion is exciting, physical, its sexual but tends to be short lived. How can we keep both passion and friendship alive in a relationship?
G: In friendship you are there to give, in passion you want to take something out of it. Passion must be there in life, it’s ok. But it should be in the background. In the foreground there must be the willingness to give. You know, if you want things to work well!
Q: Gurudev, does having a sex life affect our spiritual growth?
G: If that was the case then it would be a blanket ban for people, you will never get spiritually elevated if you are married but that is not the case. There are many Rishis and householders who are given the Dharma that they can also experience Moksha. What is detrimental is obsession. Obsession with any of the sense objects. Obsession about food, about sex, about movies, whatever it is. It is not congenial. It is not congenial even for a healthy living - let alone for spiritual growth. For spiritual growth, moderation and centered was - this is what is necessary. Nowhere it is said that the couple or married people cannot attain liberation or higher states of consciousness. It’s not true. Its not there like that. But if you are draining yourself, day and night, you are obsessed with sex, no way.
Q: Gurudev, how do you deal with your partner’s “Slient Treatment”?
G: Silently better.
Q: Gurudev what to do if neither words nor silence can get the message quite through to the partner?
G: Well i am not experienced in this, let me tell you. See what we must understand is in any relationship dont think it should be very flat, always lovey dovey, Sweetie sweetie and sort of mushy mushy, imaginary emotional harmony which we conceptualise by the movies or other things, when you are in love you just go around the tree singing songs..in life you must face the bitter truths of life and if you can hold hands in the bitter circumstances that life poses in front of you and move through it then the bonding becomes strong. We must know that in any relationship or in anything, there could be ups and downs. If downs come, dont mind it. Usually what we do, if we have 10 good days and 1 bad day, that one bad day dominates your memory, dominates your life. You must see it from the other side. It’s ok to have one bad day. It only brings contrast and dont expect your partner to give you compliments all the time. Sometimes they may think you are just a donkey, a stupid guy, a stupid lady and if such comments come, you know, you should take it like achaar, like mirchi, like spice in your food. That broadened mindset can only and only come if we have a common goal to achieve and if we have our attention on the spiritual values of life. Without that life becomes very shallow. You know, it will not have dignity, depth. Neither it brings depth to ones personality nor in the relationship. So it’s absolutely essential for people to take some time and go within. Meditation- again and again i say. If you keep meditating you dont store your stress and one day pour it on your spouse or your partner. So this garbage that we collect on a daily basis in our interaction due to stress and all that stuff, we can process that everyday and we can feel free, through meditation. And time to time you must do some silence retreat. From morning till night you are with the same person talking talking and then you know, it could be very nauseating. However good the person, You must remember to take some time for yourself and go into deep silence. Even few days in a year will rejuvenate you and make you blossom. You will be more beautiful.
Q: Gurudev how to strike the perfect balance between mother and wife? And is it even possible?
G: You just dont stand in the middle. You just let them have their own fireworks and be a witness. If you take any sides or even if you dont take sides, you are into a problem. So this is really a skill that you need. Only you need to pray to God to give you that skill.
Q: Gurudev in a relationship how to deal with a partner who is emotionally unavailable?
G: See in a relationship you must keep in mind, dont go by their outer expressions. Usually men also feel emotions but they dont express so much. Because our culture in the world has been like that, men were asked not to express their emotions. Or rather they follow their ancestors, their fathers their chachas their uncles. You see the elders in the family, men usually dont express their emotions and so they walk in their footsteps. But women are more expressive and women are expecting the same type of emotional response from men also. There are some men who do it but not most of the men. So you must understand that. Your partner may not express emotions but dont conclude that they dont have. They do have. You must take it for granted they do have emotions. When a death happens in family, men often dont cry. But it doesnt mean that they have no sorrow. Similarly, when there is joy and when they dont just dance and jump up and down and express their emotions, the culture around the globe is such that it has somehow streamlined or suppressed men’s emotions. So do not expect them to express their emotions, the way you do it.
Q: Gurudev my partner cheated on me but asked for forgiveness later. I feel betrayed. I dont know if i can trust her but i also dont want to throwaway the relationship that i have built with her. What should i do?
G: Listen, now, how can she ask for forgiveness before she has made a mistake? Number 1. Forgiveness comes only later. When you become aware of it. And mistakes happen in an unconscious state of mind. When you are not aware, when you are not clear in your mind, then you do mistakes. But when you realise you did something wrong only then you ask forgiveness and it is quite human to forgive. Like it is said, it is human to make errors, it is human to forgive, You put yourself in that place. Suppose a mistake happens through you, and you are not forgiven inspite of asking 10 times, would you like it? No. So when you expect others to forgive you and you forgive not for their sake - you forgive so you are free. Otherwise you are carrying the other persons mistakes in your head. You should know the psychology behind that lie. Why would someone lie to you? Because they care for the connection, for the relationship with you. More than anything else, More than truth. So they lie to you so they dont want to lose your love for them. If they dont care for you they will tell the truth, they wont worry for the consequences. They lie to you because your connection is more important, you are more important for them that the truth. That is why people lie. If we understand the psychology behind lies, you know what happens? You become a large hearted person. You become a person of great understanding. Who would not want a person of great understanding, tell me? Isn’t that what anyone expects in any relationship? Not just boyfriend girlfriend or husband wife. Even with parents, teachers, neighbours friends what is the basis of all relationships? Understanding. The understanding which goes beyond the verbal expressions. You know when one says is not so important than what one is or what one feels. If you can see beyond their words, only then you have real bonding. See a mother knows a child beyond its words and so does the child. That’s why the bonding is so strong isn’t it? Someday the mother tells the child get lost, she doesnt mean that. The bonding is much deeper. So any relationship can only move on when the bonding is not just on the verbal or the expression of their feelings emotions or even actions. It should be seen much beyond then that bonding is true bonding.
Q: Gurudev when someone proposes for marriage how do we decide whether to go ahead, whether this could be long lasting or not. Sometimes it seems it could be a good idea, sometimes it doesn’t. So how do we get past this conflict?
G: Well this conflict will continue even after marriage. Our mind always fluctuates - that is the nature of our mind. Forget about relationships, you just go to a restaurant and you take some time to order. But if you keep discussing or judging which one to take then you will remain hungry for the whole time. SO somewhere we have to see. It has to be a combination of your head and heart. You cannot just decide matters for your life only through your head. Only through logic as logic changes. Logic depends on your limited understanding. That’s why you must use the something that you have. That’s Intuition. Tap into that intuition. And to tap into it there is no other way than meditation. Ok?
Q : Gurudev what would your advise be to young couples looking to start a family?
G: My blessings. Go ahead. Don’t delay. Go ahead. If you are delaying too much then the generation gap becomes bigger. I would say go ahead.
Q: Gurudev sometimes it seems like having children in some way is an obstacle on this path as one gets less time to do sadhana seva and be with you. Is it like that?
G: It’s completely an individual choice. There are people with children, they still do a lot of good work in society. That need not be the case. And there are people who are single who just waste their time. They do very little, anything significant in their lives. So you cannot put the blame on the kids you see. Oh I have kids so i cannot do this. These are all concepts that we build over a period of time. If you want to do some good work, you want to do seva, sadhana, you can do inspite of all the responsibilities, but if you prefer to do something much bigger and travel more and do some good work in society then it is your choice. Yes, children do take a lot of your energy, a lot of your attention, a big chunk of your time, no doubt.
Q: Gurudev how does one move on after a painful divorce?
G: You should feel like a free bird. You know i was in a cage, Oh my God, good i am out. Where i was stuck in this beautiful world with so many people 7 billion people, 3 billion people whom i could have had better choices and i got into a cage with somebody and made myself miserable, thank God, thank myself. You should be happy when you have moved out and you for divorced, then you should simply be flying. Why did you get divorced, so that you want freedom, you want to be happy. Even after getting divorced if you keep thinking about the past then the divorce has not served its purpose. You could have as well been in the relationship and been miserable.
Q: Gurudev what should the future generation do? Should they wait for their parents to find them a partner or should they find a partner themselves?
G: see why are u deciding for future generations? Leave it to them. Let them have their choice you know. If they ask parents to find, let them do it. And if they say let them find themselves, then let them do it.
Q: From a parents perspective..
G: there is no should or should not. You must have that freedom in your life. When you say should should should, you have so many shoulds and we get ourselves so shrouded by the shoulds and we don’t realise what life is. You dont feel the freedom. I say you must feel the freedom. Only freedom can assure love blossoming in your life. In a restricted mindset, atmosphere, environment you cannot blossom. Love cannot express itself. Love cannot blossom. First and foremost, freedom. Freedom of the spirit. Here freedom appears to be contrary to discipline. It should not be that type of freedom that makes you miserable and it should not be that type of discipline which just makes you wither away.
Q: Gurudev in today’s world we are empowering women to take on worldly achievements and also take care of the household chores while men are not conditioned like that even in the 21st century. Sometimes marriage seems like a patriarchal set up. What can be done to take care of this?
G: You mean men should take care of the house also, household work. They should start cooking and all that stuff right? I think they have started but they are little slow. You are right, they are lagging behind. Men are little slow to learn. They will learn. We live in a society where everyone has shared responsibility.
Q: Gurudev how does one prepare and cope when one of the partners departs for the other world after a very long innings?
G: You know sometimes you get a ticket in an earlier flight and the other goes in the later flight. You say well ,we will see you later after a few years. Goodbye, have a safe journey. Be there, bid them a good farewell. Of course it will be an emotional challenging time and if you are tried stricken it it because you are - not for them -but for yourself -your connection with them makes you miserable. You are thinking about yourself so you are sad. But think about them, they are on their onward journey. You must always wish whatever is the best for the other person let that happen. When that happens, come to terms with that. Be happy that they are not suffering anymore.
Q: Gurudev is it important to reaffirm your love even after four decades of marriage?
G: You know in our Vedic system there is such a beautiful thing, the anniversaries are celebrated and there is Shasti Poorti, after 60 years and both couples, they remarry. It’s like a marriage happening again with all kids and grandchildren and everybody around showing that the relationship is beyond time and it is not just time bound but it is eternal and the bonding is not time bound and it nurtures the entire institution of family. And this you see in all other cultures too. Some sort of celebrations, silver jubilee and golden jubilee celebrations. They do around the world everywhere. The ancient people of this planet, they had great vision, they were great psychologists. In India, of course, the Vedic Rishis had profound knowledge. But you can find parallels of this in all other cultures also. In South America, in Europe, in Australia, even the aboriginal people, they do have rituals for keeping the spirit alive, making people realise the value of spirit. And it is timeless wisdom I tell you, timeless wisdom.
Q: Gurudev, we see many conflicts in relationships. so how can we overcome this and develop unconditional love?
G: Forget about unconditional love. If you think of unconditional love, then you become more miserable. It’s okay if there is conditional love also. Leave some room for conflicts also. You dont want everyone to be just like you, it will be so dull and boring for you. Suppose there is no conflict at all then also you will find it very boring and you will move away. And conflict also has a place and when you give its due place you know life becomes more challenging and interesting and loving also. Humour is very essential in life and especially in relationships. It can ease the anger, it can bring down the high temperature that you get on by some serious dialogue. See, even differences can remain but when there is humour it wound be harmful. Without humour the differences can divide and put you in different corners. That humour is a binding force and how do you cultivate humour, not by watching a humour show, no. It comes with a total sense of integrity from within you, integrity can create on one side, anger, and on another side, humour. so its better to bring humour in life and which is just a reflection of and integrated personality, a strong and pleasant personality.
Q: Gurudev is there a difference between court marriages and traditional marriages? Do the Hindu marriage rituals have an impact on the quality of one’s marriage?
G: Well, court marriage is for legal purposes but that ritual has some significance. Naming ceremony, marriage ceremony, final rites in life, all these rituals are profound and they do make sense. And it is an emotional and spiritual bonding that happens in the Hindu rituals and the 7 steps you take and the 7 Vows you take and you take the entire cosmos as your witness. See, fire is everywhere, is there is no fire there is no life on planet earth. So you make the Sun moon fire water earth, these elements of creation as you witness of the marriage. It has so much depth. It is amazing, even the mantras and the shlokas that are read in the Vedic ritual, if you understand the meaning of it, just takes someone to a very different level of bonding altogether.
Q: Gurudev if divine love is the ultimate relationship that one can experience in this life, where does the need to be in a romantic relationship arise from?
G: When this realisation happens, then you have romanced with the entire creation. A divine is not somewhere sitting in heaven. Divine is in the very core of this whole existence. So when you realise that you are connected to the centre core and you are radiating that love from within and you see that love coming to you, manifolds from the creation, then there is juice in life, there is romance. That is Divine Romance, a romance which does not have any demands, a romance which never loses its charm, that is divine love.
